Johnson & Ivy

So today I woke up and seen that I had some extra money in my account that I know shouldn’t be there. I had to help my father out and really I owed it to him. But I made the mistake of telling him. He decided to take my card and go shopping with my money. And I am telling him dont spend that money that do not even belong to me. He gets all mad and in a piss. And he dont want to talk to me and shit. But I’m like fuck you. You want to spend something that dont even belong to me. This is someone else money that might have made the mistake of putting down the wrong account number. And while all this is happening all I can think about is that if he spends this money I have to pay it back and I know damn well he wont so that is taking a roof from over my kids heads and food out of their mouths. He never takes the time to think about the effect that something might have in the long run to someone else. He only thinks about that moment. I am so pissed at him right now that it makes no sense. How dare you. And if you think that I am wrong for this then let this shit happen to you and then lets see how wrong you think I am. 

He often wonders why I don’t even talk to him. I cant stand to even see my father half the time. He is the most ignorant man in the world. He never admits when he is wrong and always thinks that he is right. He will lead you to deepest parts of hell and just leave you there. When you ask for help you better be prepared for the bullshit ride that comes along. I asked for my father help a while back and I knew what I needed to do I knew how to go about it. I just needed his help a little. Well needless to say I came out with a degree that I really don’t even want to use now. I hate all aspects of nursing to this very day. And many would not believe that I really had a passion for it. Just somewhere between his help and me trying to cope with the terms of his help I lost the passion. When he helps you it goes like this. I’m helping you so you are going to do what I tell you my way or you get no help from me at all. I don’t care if I am wrong and the way that you know is right. You will do it my way. I should have known that he was like this a long time ago. Cause I would ask him for his help with my homework and tell him how the teacher told us to do it and he would say she was stupid and I am going to do it his way. So I would turn it in and get a fucking F on the work. And every fucking answer would be wrong. Then he had the nerves to tell me that I was stupid and how the hell did I get every one of the questions wrong( Duh your dumb ass did this shit). Then I got smart and stopped asking his ass for help and when he would see my work and start helping me even if I didn’t want it. I would stay up late and redo my work the right way. So now I am doing what I want to do and I keep all parts of this affair a secret from my father. I ended up going to school for Graphic Design and I am almost done with it. I never tell my father when I have a job and I never let him see I have any money anymore.  He knows nothing about me and I like to keep it that way. Cause the minute I let him into my world shit starts to go bad for me.

My family looks at me like I’m some big fuck up most of the time. They call me and tell me what I should be doing but they dont even know me nor do they know him. He tells all these fucking lies and shit about how I am so bad. When I was younger I hated his guts. I wrote a poem about him that won me a nice award and was published in the Chicago Tribune. And to this day he still dont know that the poem was about him. Everyone else was able to tell who it was about except his ass. I dont really have to many feeling for my father at this point in time. i have learned to get what I need from him and then get the fuck away from him. Some might think that I am wrong for my actions now but shit you deal with him. His own family dont even know how he is or who he is. 

He ran my mother away from him and now he got this new woman and he is going to run her away from him also. I use to think my mother was cold hearted but I see her now and she is just as happy and glowing and she is not the woman that raised me. I am kind of sad that I didnt get the woman that I see now today. He made my mother miserable. She had always told me to never get with a man that was anything like my father. He has this problem that he has to always control every thing. Well now she is happy and moving to ATL and has been waiting until the divorce was over to leave and go. he wanted to work things out with my mother but she felt like he could never change and she is 100% right. I listen to how he talks to this new woman. He talks to people like they desrve no respect of any. He treats her like she is his child. And for the first time I heard her speak on it. My mother use to hate that and they would be in a constant argument over that. 

If people only knew who he was I think he would have no one to be around he would have no friends. But they only see the reactions that we all give him. So they never see the full thing or what leads up to one of us blowing up at him. They are the outside looking in. So in the end we end up looking like the bad guys and he looks like the victim.

It’s funny sometimes when I hear people trying to tell me how to treat my father. I want to laugh in their faces and say do you even know this man. His own mother dont even know him. This man was an abusive man and yes I mean physically. But also mentally. They say what they think and have no idea. We that lived in that house with him know who he is and know how angry he can get and what he can do to you and how he can hurt you. I remember getting beat so bad that I was flying down some stairs al because I wanted to stay home with my mother. I remember one day my mother left to go to a class after they had just got done fighting and he was so pissed at her. I had not even said anything I was the first person that he seen and I looked a little like my mother and he was beating the shit out of me with his fist like I was some kind of man. I was only 15 then. My mother had left something and had to come back and my little brother was at the front door crying telling her that he was beating me and she needed to make him stop. It had got so bad that one day I had just had my first daughter and I didnt want to go to a family gathering he got so pissed that while I was holding my daughter he hit me so hard that he knocked her right out of my arms. And then got to jumping on me. I hated this man that everyone love so much. I wished for him to die so often. I would pray that God would kill him and stop that shit from happening to me. But it never happened. I grew up with all this hate. But to everyone else he is the best father in the world. Bet they never wondered why we never give his ass a gift and why we never forget to give our mother a gift. Yes she let the shit go on but she was trapped also she felt. 

I live everyday with my girls and I try hard to not be like my father or my mother. I dont want my children to feel like I felt. I dont want to hit my kids and I dont want to let anyone do anything to them and I just stand by and think that there is nothing I can do.

Im sitting here typing this out and crying at the same time. I wish I could feel something else other than hate for this man that the call my father. But I can say that I do. I cant even say that I love him. And for those of you that happen to be in my family and think that I am wrong for posting this then you have no Idea how wrong I would be if I didn’t post this and let people know how my father was. Maybe by posting this some woman that is in the same situation that my mother was in can feel that there is a way out. You dont have to wait until your kids are stable to leave a bad situation. They will be more grateful to you for taking them out of that rather than suffer. And even if they dont understand you will be able to sleep better at night knowing that you got out before something really bad happened. I dont know all it took was one hit and my father could have killed me. He damn near killed my brother once when he slammed his head into the wall and knocked him out. No child deserves to be abused.